Who is causing the problem?

If one has an ongoing issue, one has to first disconnect from the cause of the problem emotionally. As you can probably guess from the first sentence, sometimes we can't distinguish where we begin and other people's input ends, it all feels like one big problem. So if someone is annoying you, the first thing to do is to recognize the difference between you and the other person.

The other person might be making choices you don't like. You don't have to accept these choices. You do have to accept that they might indeed be making choices. It's sort of like denial to say "I have this problem with accepting the way she is treating me. I want to come to terms with the way I am feeling, so I can let it go". It is not helpful since it does not include a clause about caring that the other person is hurting , nor any self protection. The only thing one is focusing on is that one doesn't like the feeling of being hurt.

We aren't responsible for another person's behavior, but the other person is. So perhaps some useful setup statements might be:

Even though it's hard for me to emotionally separate from her, and I'm sort of taking responsibility for what she is doing to me, I'd like to let it go.

Even though it feels safer to control her, she needs to learn to take responsibility for the results of her actions.

Even though I'd prefer to run the whole world, it's better all round if we each run our own inner world. We can and should interact with each other.

Even if the definitions are blurred between she and me, I'd like to separate our two identities. We each need our own. We each need to not pretend we can take responsibility for each other.

Even if I'm frightened to believe she may really be doing bad things, it doesn't help for me to close my eyes to it and pretend she isn't, or cover for her. She has some correcting to do.

Acknowledging:

• feelings of intertwining,
• and of why one might be doing this,
• and then redefining the boundaries,

are important steps.