Tidiness

This is a blog about tidiness. It is inspired by Andrea Amador, and her approach to dieting.

This blog is written for people who have a hard time keeping their place tidy, or clean, yet they really want to.

The old way seems to be to judge yourself, (relative to other people, or to what you want your space to look like) and basically fail. Then you eat, or despair, or go to bed, or try to force yourself to try harder.

The problem is that the natural you still gets a failing grade.

Here's the new way. You let go of the judging step.

It's that judging that locks you into a certain mode of behavior.
It's that judging that makes you hate yourself, and not have confidence in your ability.
It's that judging that makes life seem trudging and drudging.

We've all been to school, and we've all had our tests marked. But most of us have left school. Can we let go of judging?

Look at it this way. What might be a good reason to judge?

• To know where we're up to.
• To measure progress.
• To punish ourselves if we fail.
• To claim that we understand fully all the reasons for failure.
• To force ourselves to try harder.

And what are the downsides of judging?

• Much of the mark is based on our mood at the time, not our performance
• We sometimes don't notice the improvements. If we do notice good things, we are much less excited about them as we are upset about what is wrong.
• We also use improvements to prove to ourselves that it was all a matter of willpower, eg to say "SEE what you can do if you try".
• When we see improvements, we measure then against a higher standard that we can envisage, not against where we were.
• We don't notice how we have acted or thought or believed differently, when we see improvement, we just express happiness that the result looks better.
• We give ourselves a physical reward to show our approval, like food, as if to say that we are just performing doggies looking for approval.
• We ignore the spiritual pleasure of moving from a place of mess to a place of tidy.
• We ignore the spiritual conquests we dealt with as we improved, and we don't try to develop them further.
• We ignore the feelings that are involved in the creation of tidiness and we swamp the feelings that are involved in the finished creation.

Julie Englemann writes that we should phrase affirmations as follows:

I feel (positive feeling) ________ now that I have done (practical goal) ________ and (spiritual goal)_________.

You probably agree with me by now that judging does not get you out of a rut. It ignores so many basics.

Many of us make the following associations:

• problems mean that we need motivation, and
• if we need motivation, we must use judging and prizes.

It's too simplistic. Problems don't always indicate the lack of motivation. Motivation isn't long term solved with judging and prizes. In fact, I'd reformulate the above:

• If we use judging and prizes we imply that we had no motivation, and that
• motivation comes from getting pleasure.

So when we judge or use prizes we reinforce for ourselves the belief that we are lacking pleasure. We also reinforce the beliefs that we are in control of how much pleasure we have in our lives, and that we can earn it if we conform.

The whole cycle goes wonky when we leave school, which actually does have a lot of ways to reward and punish us. After school is over, we see that we are not really in control of how much pleasure we have in our lives. We can't earn or have as much stuff as we would like to. Even if we do try to conform, we often don't get paid in full. So the only part of the reinforced beliefs mentioned above that is left, is that we are lacking pleasure.

So the next time you see something "wrong" with you, or with your house, and you find yourself measuring it to another standard (eg comparing it to what others have, or what it once was like, or what it should be like), stop for a moment, and say, why am I judging?

Judging and comparing are so automatic nowadays that we do not stop and think. We don't notice quite how hurtful and stupid it is.

We judge because we think that judging will make it better.

We forget that judging has no power to improve the situation.

We forget that judging just reminds us that we need pleasures, and that we don't have them.

I'd like to stop here, but I'd also like to go on a little further.

I'd like to think about what happens when we stop judging. We look at that smear on the window, or those hundreds of smears, and we are about to say "Stupid me, this is what I'm capable of". We pause, cause Rachel said not to judge! And then what do we do?

How about a mini conversation?

Window: I'm dirty. You didn't clean me.

Me: I am bad. I deserve 3% in cleanliness

Window: Yes that's true! NOW CLEAN ME NOW!

Me: Sorry, I'm not in school any more. You don't scare me.

Window: CLEAN ME NOW! YOU MUST! YOU'LL BE PUNISHED IF YOU DON'T!

Me: Ok punish me. What have you got up your sleeve?

Window: Please clean me now, I'll reward you if you do. You'll feel SO GOOD!

Me: Sorry. I don't buy that. I can feel good already if I want. Stop trying to bribe me. Anyway, what is your bribe, and what's stopping me from getting it without earning it your way?

Window: YOU MUST, YOU Must, you must, you...

Me: Ok, now back to my personal plans. What do I feel like doing today?

Window: please, you must, you must

Me: you're not in charge of me anymore, I'm in charge here. And I'll make my plans without your screaming or wheedling, threats or promises.

Window: You must, you must

Me: how do you know I must?

Window: I'm the boss here. Dirt is the boss. You only mater according to how you perform

Me: So that's your new line is it? It doesn't sound too convincing to me. First you decide what I should be doing, and then you judge me for how well I'm doing it? But I think I'll leave it for another blog post. In the meantime, I'll just remember, that you don't have any way to hurt me nor any way to benefit me. And that if there are pleasures available to me, I don't need to earn them, I can get them already.

Conclusion: There may be real pleasure involved when one CHOOSES to clean - try it and see! Yet this pressure that most of us feel about cleaning is very off-putting. Not only is this pressure off-putting, but it also DENIES that there is any real and direct pleaure that comes from cleaning. It also DENIES that we are the kind of person who might CHOOSE to clean if it is part of our spiritual goals. Instead, the pressure implies to us that we are not the type of person who chooses spiritual goals, and it lies to us that it can force or bribe us, and it implies to us that the only pleasures we are looking for are junk food, increased self-esteem, and things to show off about.

For those of us who have more spiritual aspirations than that, or if we're just plain rebellious, we often don't obey. Yet why do we even believe that these things can be earned? It's like we are saying - they can be earned, but it's below me to take advantage of this offer. It's also like saying: I make it into a god in my beliefs, but I don't obey it. It's a prison mentality.

Physical pleasures can't be earned. They whole equation is wrong. It's only our mind that's associating the pleasures and punishments with practical perfomance.

At the risk of ostracizing you, I'd like to point out that after we have got rid of the false gods, we are free to notice that there is a true G-d, who does care about us, who is giving these pleasures and punishments free of charge in exactly the right proportions to help us grow. Spiritually. And merit eternal pleasures in our eternal life.